for school.

Everything can be a positive experience. Crying hysterically while driving in traffic produces some nice, emotional portraits. Portraits and the whole story will be added to this post later today.


so... here is the story. I left my house about 10 minutes later than usual. There was traffic, I was getting nervous,cuz i was running late. A section of the road was blocked, and people were making u-turns. I did too.

So I turn into this little one way street, about 6-7 cars behind me. All of a sudden these screaming women come out and block the road.

Turns out that this is a school, and they close the block weekdays 9-4pm. They start yelling about the signs,and that we moved a blocking thing they had there. There was no blockign thing, otherwise I wouldn't have driven on to the block. They yell that everyone should turn around and leave. There is no way to back out of the street into traffic....

And ok, I can understand if they went to the start of the block, blocked off any new cars and just let us pass. But no, they had to do it in the middle of the fucking block. They threw some shit on the road, and literally stood there blocking the road. I was the first car in front of them. Some ladies came out from cars behind me.

There was almost a fight. I'm just sitting in my car watching all this shit. People start calling cops. These bitches are saying how we will all get tickets. I'm like, all right, fuckers, give me a ticket just let me fucking go to school already.

So a cop shows up. The main bitch literary tells him "they drive through here to hit our kids" I'm like....yep, that's exactly why i'm on this block, to hit some kids...asshole.

Cop tells them that the sign is not visible enough, gives us a warning and lets us pass. I'm late to class by 20 minutes. The professor is late by 25, so it's ok.

I started crying when I finally passed the fucking assholes. I'm not very emotionally stable to begin with, and to be bitched at for something taht isn't my fault....I dunno they just felt so angry and negative over nothing, really....And it made no sense to make a scene in the middle of the block...Usually they do have some kind of a blocking thing on the block, but there was nothing there today....I dunno....it was just very fucked up....Yeah....

I don't even curse at people usually, so when i call someone a fucking bitch, believe me I am not exaggerating.

I am once again inspired by MM. SPecifically by V Larsen's port. Her choice of photographers is phenomenal. Browsing through made me want to go out an shoot/pose right now!

Her work inspires me, I want to own a piece.

http://www.mayakulenovic.com/paintings09faces1.htm

Ты - белый и светлый.
Я - я тёмная тёплая.
Ты - плачешь, не видит никто.
А я - я комкаю стёкла
Дура!

Ты - так откровенно любишь.
Я - я так безнадёжно попала.
Мы - мы шепчем друг другу секреты.
Мы всё понимаем
И только этого мало!

Анечка а а
Просила снять маечки.
Анечка а а...
Анечка а а
Просила снять маечки.
Анечка а а...

Ты - стоишь своих откровений.
Я - я верю, что тоже стою.
Ты - гений, я тоже гений.
И если ты ищешь, значит нас двое!

Больно бывает не только от боли.
Страшно бывает не только за совесть.
Странно опять не хватило воли.
Я множу окурки.
Ты пишешь повесть!

Анечка а а
Просила снять маечки.
Анечка а а...
Анечка а а
Просила снять маечки.
Анечка а а...
Анечка а а
Просила снять маечки.
Анечка а а...

google translation of these lyrics is not very accurate.

My child and adolescence development class is fascinating. I'm reading a paper on child attachments, and it's hitting home. I always wondered why the hell I grew up to be so isolated...My best friend and I barely talk now a days, I have no friends in school, my realest connections cme from MM. My family is very loving though, there was never any abuse, I was never told that I can't do something or other....However reading this text, memories come surfacing up. I was always told that I'm too moody and should control myself, I'm selfish and should think more of other people, I need to put effort and learn how to make new friends, it's hard for everyone....As a result, I am super non confrontational, I almost never voice my dislike of something, if I do, it's passive-aggressive. I always try to get out of the way of strangers, step away if someone needs to pass, even if there is a ton of space...Let people cut me in line...Let professors think I'm mediocre, and back it up in any way I can...When I do get attached to people, I'm very dependent....It's hard for me to voice what I actually want, because I was always told to control my impulses and moods....ha, we're all fucked up even by the most well meaning parents.

Of course it is not all my mom's fault. I'm old enough to provoke change if I really want it...I think joining MM was a pretty life changing move. =)

I love Glee....

i found the perfect snooze pattern.

6:20, 6:30, 6:35, 6:40


My sophmore year a professor told me I can't draw. Granted he was asked to step down from being the chair of the department a few years ago because of a drinking problem, but still it made me cry all the way home. An hour on a car....Before college I was in an art program in high school, I had an art tutor too....I never thought I was good....But I always liked to draw....His comment made me insecure, and I haven't really done much, except doodle in class....Actually doodling is all I do at lectures. I miss drawing...It doesn't matter how bad I am, I don't have illusions of grandeur in that department.....But if I find it therapeutic fuck every one.

I have the same feeling of animosity towards graphic design. They push and push and push...I can't even read a job ad without feeling like I will never succeed, I also find them super boring...and this, dear reader is why I feel like I will end up in a strip club.

VERY NICE INSPIRATION http://yayeveryday.com/

Today I watched a movie, Freedom State. A very pleasant film....Very fitting. Between normal and crazy...When we act how we want, are we going crazy? Not following the rules of society...


Or is it, that when we limit ourselves by what we assume our understanding of "society" wants, that we loose our minds?

Every one has doubts...everyone has aspirations.
I wish I was a femme fatale, or a girl in a religious household with defined limits as to what I can be. Instead I feel like my potential is endless, but I'm not fulfilling it, I'm failing and failing...And will end up in the middle of America packing tomatoes...Of course if there is a loved person next to me, a child may be, than all of that will not be so grim....but if i settle for everything, then I'm so fucked. I don't feel like i'm in control of my life...i just need to breathe....in and out. I'll be fine.


I am so angry....I don't like it...

i will write/post something substantial soon. School is just stupid overwhelming.

beautyfoster

Today i worked with BeautyFoster http://www.modelmayhem.com/747596
I photographed her and she was ridiculously good, everyone go hire her!

texture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/25077430@N03/3361138718/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/27805557@N08/4880058566/in/pool-807238@N23/