Wednesday, June 30, 2010
word, words,words. I'm sorry.
I haven't shot a decent home made self portrait series for weeks. I guess that' cuz i don't have the house during daylight all to myself anymore. I do have a sick set of glamouresque self portraits that is waiting to be edited. I think that's what I'll do tonight. Prepare for the awesomeness....
I haven't shot a decent home made self portrait series for weeks. I guess that' cuz i don't have the house during daylight all to myself anymore. I do have a sick set of glamouresque self portraits that is waiting to be edited. I think that's what I'll do tonight. Prepare for the awesomeness....
Sunday, June 27, 2010
when untactful adults who haven't seen you for years start asking you why you're still single at a family party, here are some wonderful replies:
I'm too much of a slut to settle with one person
I actually hate people
I'm still hoping to get back with the ex, it's a bit difficult with the restraining order
I only like men who can afford my hourly rate, but most of them are already married
It's hard to find a good man who is into cock and ball torture
Oh how much fun I would've had if my parents weren't right next to me
I'm too much of a slut to settle with one person
I actually hate people
I'm still hoping to get back with the ex, it's a bit difficult with the restraining order
I only like men who can afford my hourly rate, but most of them are already married
It's hard to find a good man who is into cock and ball torture
Oh how much fun I would've had if my parents weren't right next to me
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Giving up is the easiest thing to do. I overbook to compensate for not wanting to get up in the morning. I depend on MM to feel my worth. It's fucked up.
I have decided to take an indefinite break from modeling right after Cali. I'll still do self portraits, and may be shoot with the few friends I made....But I'm just not feeling it at all....Not feeling anything really. As much as the desire to stay in my room and never leave is strong, I know that would lead to a complete break down....I keep telling myself I'm becoming stronger with every year....I'm not. I go through cycles confidence to worthless....And I'm tired. I have no drive left....I will still do my new photo project, because I need distractions, i need to stay busy, just not through modeling.
made me feel better. Gonna stop being annoyingly self-deprecating =D
i swear new self portrait shots coming today!
I have decided to take an indefinite break from modeling right after Cali. I'll still do self portraits, and may be shoot with the few friends I made....But I'm just not feeling it at all....Not feeling anything really. As much as the desire to stay in my room and never leave is strong, I know that would lead to a complete break down....I keep telling myself I'm becoming stronger with every year....I'm not. I go through cycles confidence to worthless....And I'm tired. I have no drive left....I will still do my new photo project, because I need distractions, i need to stay busy, just not through modeling.
made me feel better. Gonna stop being annoyingly self-deprecating =D
i swear new self portrait shots coming today!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I have a fear of being worthless. All my social interactions come from looking good naked, what happens when I no longer do? May be by that point people with whom I'm becoming close now will appreciate me for my personality, and wouldn't mind sagging body parts? I am not career oriented per se, but I do seek acceptance and success...sigh, I need to get out of my head more often. It helps to know/assume that other people who appear to be in control don't have their shit together either.
I wonder how many people actually see/read this...I do have a link to the blog on MM, I just assume that the only people who read this are people who leave comments, may be some followers... Should I go back to posting just pics here and keep my personal shit separate? Who knows...I'll try to shoot something tonight, so the blog isn't so text heavy.
I wonder how many people actually see/read this...I do have a link to the blog on MM, I just assume that the only people who read this are people who leave comments, may be some followers... Should I go back to posting just pics here and keep my personal shit separate? Who knows...I'll try to shoot something tonight, so the blog isn't so text heavy.
So....I think at some point in life, I should save up and get a new Canon with video capability. Then I shall make romantic/poetic videos with music composed in garage band.
I think I'ma broken Capricorn. We're supposed to be driven and hard working...I am incredibly lazy...But I have started pushing recently, even if it's only in modeling/photo
I think I'ma broken Capricorn. We're supposed to be driven and hard working...I am incredibly lazy...But I have started pushing recently, even if it's only in modeling/photo
Monday, June 21, 2010
so my regularity of posting has diminished.
It's both good and bad. I try to keep myself extremely busy, I never go straight home after work. Always shoot/badminton/walk with a camera....As a result I am continuously exhausted.
I am off from work today. They had no projects for me, so I didn't have to come in, which was great.
Yesterday was spontaneous. I got an offer to shoot with someone I know the night before, because my actual planned shoot cancelled on me abruptly. I was actually looking forward to a day of relaxing, but couldn't resist an opportunity to get outside and live.
We met up in Brooklyn with the goal of shooting in Red Hook, but first we ate and walked...It was so hot. Then we drove around Red Hook in search of abandoned places, didn't find much appealing...That's when I mentioned Bridgeport. A 2.5 hr drive, and it was already about 3pm....Called the friend who showed me the location, and it turned out he was already there.
We got there around 6 got enough light to shoot and hang out for about 1-2 hrs, and wents back at dusk. The sunset was one of the prettiest that I have ever seen. Back to BK to dropp off the photographer and another 40 minutes home. I was home by 11 30....A very full, spontaneous and fun day.
No pics, cuz I shoot film now, which will get set out for development to Kansas today =)
I'm gonna try to finish 3 more rolls that are in my cameras right now.
It's both good and bad. I try to keep myself extremely busy, I never go straight home after work. Always shoot/badminton/walk with a camera....As a result I am continuously exhausted.
I am off from work today. They had no projects for me, so I didn't have to come in, which was great.
Yesterday was spontaneous. I got an offer to shoot with someone I know the night before, because my actual planned shoot cancelled on me abruptly. I was actually looking forward to a day of relaxing, but couldn't resist an opportunity to get outside and live.
We met up in Brooklyn with the goal of shooting in Red Hook, but first we ate and walked...It was so hot. Then we drove around Red Hook in search of abandoned places, didn't find much appealing...That's when I mentioned Bridgeport. A 2.5 hr drive, and it was already about 3pm....Called the friend who showed me the location, and it turned out he was already there.
We got there around 6 got enough light to shoot and hang out for about 1-2 hrs, and wents back at dusk. The sunset was one of the prettiest that I have ever seen. Back to BK to dropp off the photographer and another 40 minutes home. I was home by 11 30....A very full, spontaneous and fun day.
No pics, cuz I shoot film now, which will get set out for development to Kansas today =)
I'm gonna try to finish 3 more rolls that are in my cameras right now.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Color Splash 2
This photo was so brutal! I couldn't help retouching my skin a bit, and getting rid of a mustache that was very prominent. Perhaps that's why I'm single.....
Oh an I noticed, since I started modeling I keep my mouth open on most photos.
I want my damn Holga to ship already, I got the films and the flash.
I want to photograph really beautiful women that take care of themselves in moments of intense loneliness and pain. Go beneath the beauty and confidence, find their solitude, their problems and pain. Girl who are like Paris Hilton.....They should have pain too...It would be very powerful...Usually perceived as shallow party girls....Pain not in a typical smudged mascara way....More like an emotionless gaze in the mirror....Before she fixes her hair. That instant where you catch the reflection and think about your worth...
In her room alone...May be no make up....May be just sleeping, a moment of vulnerability. Some deeper truth than sex drugs and parties.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Looked at apartments on Craiglist....I'll be able afford the 800+ rent in neighborhoods I like....But that's for a single room, with multiple roommates.
My own apartment seems sooo out of reach with 1600+ rents....These are the moments I wish I was more business oriented, and had my head in the clouds less.
My own apartment seems sooo out of reach with 1600+ rents....These are the moments I wish I was more business oriented, and had my head in the clouds less.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
123 posts
I look nice today, High heels, tight, semi short skirt, make up and a fitting blazer over a tank top.
On my way to the train stop, a guy walking by me said "How you're doing, gorgeous" and just kept walking. I tugged at my sleeve, and thought "What the fuck? Can't you see I'm invisible?"
It's funny....I try to look nice, but not to turn heads or get awkwardly hit on. It's more to hide that I'm actually pretty insecure...Not about the looks, but about my character. Looks too...Like, I know all about my figure, and I know my ethnic features appeal to some...But overall...Meh...I'm average, an average Jewish looking girl. So, I wear heels and skirts to feel confident, to build a wall, to perhaps look unapproachable, unattainable....Yet blend in and be invisible. I don't think I'm lying per se....Cuz I do feel sexy most of the time...But dressing like that allows me to indulge in a fantasy, pretend for a while that I can pull the look off and have the personality to back it up...If you talk to me you see the shyness and lack of confidence (not when I model though) but when I just walk down the street, head high, hips swaying with every step of the heels....I appear to be in control at least I hope hehe. Most of the time though it feels like people can see right through my shit. I blush at ANY sort of attention...It's ridiculous.
Few days ago I was thinking, what if I was to dress the way I feel? What would I wear?
It varies from grey hoodies and jeans to corset and slutty yet classy dresses....As it would for every person I imagine.
Speaking of clothes. I just finished David Sedaris' Naked. The end of the book focuses on the authors experience in a nudist colony. I love my body. I love shooting outside nude when no one is around....But frankly, I din't think I'm mature enough to be around naked older people....I guess it would take some getting used to and would help me mature in the end....But damn, it would be awkward for a while....The thought makes me cringe. Does that make me a hypocritical nude model?
On my way to the train stop, a guy walking by me said "How you're doing, gorgeous" and just kept walking. I tugged at my sleeve, and thought "What the fuck? Can't you see I'm invisible?"
It's funny....I try to look nice, but not to turn heads or get awkwardly hit on. It's more to hide that I'm actually pretty insecure...Not about the looks, but about my character. Looks too...Like, I know all about my figure, and I know my ethnic features appeal to some...But overall...Meh...I'm average, an average Jewish looking girl. So, I wear heels and skirts to feel confident, to build a wall, to perhaps look unapproachable, unattainable....Yet blend in and be invisible. I don't think I'm lying per se....Cuz I do feel sexy most of the time...But dressing like that allows me to indulge in a fantasy, pretend for a while that I can pull the look off and have the personality to back it up...If you talk to me you see the shyness and lack of confidence (not when I model though) but when I just walk down the street, head high, hips swaying with every step of the heels....I appear to be in control at least I hope hehe. Most of the time though it feels like people can see right through my shit. I blush at ANY sort of attention...It's ridiculous.
Few days ago I was thinking, what if I was to dress the way I feel? What would I wear?
It varies from grey hoodies and jeans to corset and slutty yet classy dresses....As it would for every person I imagine.
Speaking of clothes. I just finished David Sedaris' Naked. The end of the book focuses on the authors experience in a nudist colony. I love my body. I love shooting outside nude when no one is around....But frankly, I din't think I'm mature enough to be around naked older people....I guess it would take some getting used to and would help me mature in the end....But damn, it would be awkward for a while....The thought makes me cringe. Does that make me a hypocritical nude model?
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
It's raining. Hard. I wore converse. I also don't use umbrellas. But an umbrella wouldn't help with soaking feet anyway....The converse are old, they actually have holes in them, and even with no holes, they are shoes made of fabric...They will always be soaking wet in the rain.
I walk out of work. Up the stairs to the street from the basement. Rain drops hit my skin, I smile. I love rain, especially in the summer...Might have something to do with the climate of Saint Petersburg, Russia where I'm from. Rain kinda sneaks up on you there, weather changed 5 times a day and it's not uncommon to be caught without an umbrella. If you don't want to spend your days pissed, learn to love the rain. Plus rain is incredibly poetic in my opinion, can't help but love it.
Up the street to a drug store. Refrigerator, big bottle of water. I know plastic is bad for the environment, note to self, get one of those aluminum containers. 4 pack of color film, check out. Back into the street...Puddles in my shoes, water forms rain drops on my nose. Train or cab? The comfort of a car is more appealing. Hand up, no one stops. Walk another block...Get into a train station, no map, can't plan route, the decision to take a cab strengthens. Walk out, try again. Cab pulls up, I open the door and stand in the rain, while a girl my age pays with her credit card. He didn't stop for me, he stopped cuz she needed to get out. She leaves, I get in.
All of a sudden there are no thoughts, no problems. Jamaican driver. Kind eyes. Amazing, relaxing music. I swear it felt like I was on a beach for a vacation, in that cab. And the rain outside just reinforced the comfort. I smiled and moved my fingers with the music. Destination reached, tip paid.
Half a block and I'm indoors. Badminton, how I love you! You are worth walking in wet shoes through the whole damn city (but only in the summer). Up the stairs, changing room. High school. Down the stairs, courts, people, games. I mostly loose, but it's been 3 years since I really played. I'm already better than I was last week. Pull some muscles, decide that I should start stretching and may be running on the other days of the week, so that I can get on the same level as the stronger players. 4 hours finished, and it's time to leave. Up the stairs to the changing room, huge roach hurries away....Oh high school. I change on the stairs instead. Down the stairs, out the door.
Yep, still raining. So refreshing on my overheated, sweaty skin. I just wish I had flip flops and not these water absorbent shoes. Walk through the dark city....10:40 pm. Every one has an umbrella, some guy makes a comment to me. I got headphones on, so can't quote him, cuz I'm unsure of what exactly he said. Walk 7 blocks in the wrong direction, turn around walk back. Good music in the headphones, wonderful feeling of power in my body... I'm not even upset I walked the wrong way. Into the subway, dripping water.
Get on the train, and realize I have no fucking idea how I got home after badminton last week. Tried to remember, and couldn't....I space out like that a lot. But this was kinda disturbing, cuz it happened only a week ago...Thought I transfered on 42nd, but looking at the train route now, that would've been impossible....Go down to 14th. Walk out of the station. Damn, it's cold out. Another block to my bus stop...15 minutes, bus is there.Get on, put on a sweater and fall asleep.
Home sweet home. 12 am. Converse off, warm socks on, Glee finale.
I walk out of work. Up the stairs to the street from the basement. Rain drops hit my skin, I smile. I love rain, especially in the summer...Might have something to do with the climate of Saint Petersburg, Russia where I'm from. Rain kinda sneaks up on you there, weather changed 5 times a day and it's not uncommon to be caught without an umbrella. If you don't want to spend your days pissed, learn to love the rain. Plus rain is incredibly poetic in my opinion, can't help but love it.
Up the street to a drug store. Refrigerator, big bottle of water. I know plastic is bad for the environment, note to self, get one of those aluminum containers. 4 pack of color film, check out. Back into the street...Puddles in my shoes, water forms rain drops on my nose. Train or cab? The comfort of a car is more appealing. Hand up, no one stops. Walk another block...Get into a train station, no map, can't plan route, the decision to take a cab strengthens. Walk out, try again. Cab pulls up, I open the door and stand in the rain, while a girl my age pays with her credit card. He didn't stop for me, he stopped cuz she needed to get out. She leaves, I get in.
All of a sudden there are no thoughts, no problems. Jamaican driver. Kind eyes. Amazing, relaxing music. I swear it felt like I was on a beach for a vacation, in that cab. And the rain outside just reinforced the comfort. I smiled and moved my fingers with the music. Destination reached, tip paid.
Half a block and I'm indoors. Badminton, how I love you! You are worth walking in wet shoes through the whole damn city (but only in the summer). Up the stairs, changing room. High school. Down the stairs, courts, people, games. I mostly loose, but it's been 3 years since I really played. I'm already better than I was last week. Pull some muscles, decide that I should start stretching and may be running on the other days of the week, so that I can get on the same level as the stronger players. 4 hours finished, and it's time to leave. Up the stairs to the changing room, huge roach hurries away....Oh high school. I change on the stairs instead. Down the stairs, out the door.
Yep, still raining. So refreshing on my overheated, sweaty skin. I just wish I had flip flops and not these water absorbent shoes. Walk through the dark city....10:40 pm. Every one has an umbrella, some guy makes a comment to me. I got headphones on, so can't quote him, cuz I'm unsure of what exactly he said. Walk 7 blocks in the wrong direction, turn around walk back. Good music in the headphones, wonderful feeling of power in my body... I'm not even upset I walked the wrong way. Into the subway, dripping water.
Get on the train, and realize I have no fucking idea how I got home after badminton last week. Tried to remember, and couldn't....I space out like that a lot. But this was kinda disturbing, cuz it happened only a week ago...Thought I transfered on 42nd, but looking at the train route now, that would've been impossible....Go down to 14th. Walk out of the station. Damn, it's cold out. Another block to my bus stop...15 minutes, bus is there.Get on, put on a sweater and fall asleep.
Home sweet home. 12 am. Converse off, warm socks on, Glee finale.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I got a small rant. Fuck your judgement I'm cool with every fucking decision I made. I'm not stupid or naive, I understand every consequence, and interpretation and I love it. And yes, I fall in love too easy, but so what? I like to feel, and I'm working on figuring it all out...where my feelings are, and where society pressure to find a mate is.
This will be a good mm off topic thread. Friends that judge and give their opinion, do they really care, or are they just closed minded jerks? Like, if someone is a drug addict, and their straight edged friends pull them out, vs druggie friends who just sink with them....Which group is a better friend? People who don't judge possibly don't give a fuck, people who do judge possibly don't either....
I told a friend that sex and art are my driving forces....she asked if i didn't have them, do I have anything else...as if those two are not enough....They are, and I do have them and I am inspired by them to live every day...I think it's plenty.
This will be a good mm off topic thread. Friends that judge and give their opinion, do they really care, or are they just closed minded jerks? Like, if someone is a drug addict, and their straight edged friends pull them out, vs druggie friends who just sink with them....Which group is a better friend? People who don't judge possibly don't give a fuck, people who do judge possibly don't either....
I told a friend that sex and art are my driving forces....she asked if i didn't have them, do I have anything else...as if those two are not enough....They are, and I do have them and I am inspired by them to live every day...I think it's plenty.
Monday, June 7, 2010
BEWARE
Models beware, a girl I once worked with has been scammed by this douche bag. Reading MM forums, it's apparent he has done this shit before. Check references, and ask around....Stay safe.
Photographer goes by aliases Jim Hines, Jay Hanes, Jami, John, Fokus Foto etc. email address fokusfoto@gmail.com.
Who knows how many other emails and aliases and accounts he has
He's called her from these #'s:
804-435-5090
804-247-2801 (he's actually used this # for at least 4 years))
Btw, he also sends email from an email address: female.photographer@gmail.com pretending to be a female photographer named Jami, "Jami" gets on the phone and does talk, she's "very nice and personable." Sounds kind of young.
The guy is in his mid 50's, maybe a bit haggard looking in the face, dresses ok though, head of grayish hair, skinny, maybe about 5'11, he speaks in a heavy southern drawl.
What's MOST distinguishable about him is his left eye, the lid of which droops.
More Info :
http://theartofnude.wordpress.com/2010/05/14/fokusfoto/
http://www.modelinsider.com/community/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=1995
http://londonandrews.blogspot.com/2010/06/modelsphotographers-beware-of-jim.html
Photographer goes by aliases Jim Hines, Jay Hanes, Jami, John, Fokus Foto etc. email address fokusfoto@gmail.com.
Who knows how many other emails and aliases and accounts he has
He's called her from these #'s:
804-435-5090
804-247-2801 (he's actually used this # for at least 4 years))
Btw, he also sends email from an email address: female.photographer@gmail.com pretending to be a female photographer named Jami, "Jami" gets on the phone and does talk, she's "very nice and personable." Sounds kind of young.
The guy is in his mid 50's, maybe a bit haggard looking in the face, dresses ok though, head of grayish hair, skinny, maybe about 5'11, he speaks in a heavy southern drawl.
What's MOST distinguishable about him is his left eye, the lid of which droops.
More Info :
http://theartofnude.wordpress.com/2010/05/14/fokusfoto/
http://www.modelinsider.com/community/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=1995
http://londonandrews.blogspot.com/2010/06/modelsphotographers-beware-of-jim.html
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
These past three days have been pretty amazing.
On Monday I went to Pleasure Beach (see photos below) with a group of complete strangers. To be fair the person who invited me was also on MM, so I checked out his work, and decided to treat it as a shoot. But initially we met on deviantart. His 4 friends also joined us. I didn't talk much (i rarely do), but I truly enjoyed the company. And the location....shit, I've been waiting to visit a location like that all my life. It was.....beyond words, really.
On Tuesday I went to work. It was pretty busy. Afterwards I met up with a photographer, who is about my age...We worked together once before. We went to Central Park, and shot topless and nude, in less than private locations. Quite a thrill....It feels sooo good to take my clothes off outside in weather like this. After the shoot we grabbed dinner, and went our separate ways. It just felt so much like summer....The weather, the staying out late.
And then yesterday I went to play badminton after work. I stayed for 3.5 hrs, and it kicked my ass!!!! My back hurts, my arm, my legs....Legs hurt less than expected, because the days prior I did a lot of walking. I haven't done anything even similar to exercise in about 3 years. In those 3 years I did 2 days of yoga, a week of belly dancing, and 1 day of badminton. This summer though, I'm gonna play weekly, cuz it's convenient time and location wise, and it's just so fucking nice to push my body. To feel it. To do something after work, to be worn out, to be emotionally involved in the game....I got home around 12am last night, and slept till 8am today....Normally I'd be tired, today I'm full of energy. Yay exercise. Now I just gotta start eating right =)
On this wave of awesomeness, I'll try to shoot more self portraits, cuz I haven't done that in weeks. Too tired after work, but fuck that. Badminton inspires me, I'll make something cool =D
On Monday I went to Pleasure Beach (see photos below) with a group of complete strangers. To be fair the person who invited me was also on MM, so I checked out his work, and decided to treat it as a shoot. But initially we met on deviantart. His 4 friends also joined us. I didn't talk much (i rarely do), but I truly enjoyed the company. And the location....shit, I've been waiting to visit a location like that all my life. It was.....beyond words, really.
On Tuesday I went to work. It was pretty busy. Afterwards I met up with a photographer, who is about my age...We worked together once before. We went to Central Park, and shot topless and nude, in less than private locations. Quite a thrill....It feels sooo good to take my clothes off outside in weather like this. After the shoot we grabbed dinner, and went our separate ways. It just felt so much like summer....The weather, the staying out late.
And then yesterday I went to play badminton after work. I stayed for 3.5 hrs, and it kicked my ass!!!! My back hurts, my arm, my legs....Legs hurt less than expected, because the days prior I did a lot of walking. I haven't done anything even similar to exercise in about 3 years. In those 3 years I did 2 days of yoga, a week of belly dancing, and 1 day of badminton. This summer though, I'm gonna play weekly, cuz it's convenient time and location wise, and it's just so fucking nice to push my body. To feel it. To do something after work, to be worn out, to be emotionally involved in the game....I got home around 12am last night, and slept till 8am today....Normally I'd be tired, today I'm full of energy. Yay exercise. Now I just gotta start eating right =)
On this wave of awesomeness, I'll try to shoot more self portraits, cuz I haven't done that in weeks. Too tired after work, but fuck that. Badminton inspires me, I'll make something cool =D
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